This Trans Voice: A Genderqueer Perspective

This Trans Voice: A Genderqueer Perspective

ThisTransVoice

I’m excited to bring you the latest installment in “This Trans Voice”! This is a guest blogger opportunity for persons who are transgender who would like to share their story and insights with you.

I’d like to introduce you to Tony/Serena. Tony/Serena is a genderqueer person who I met on Facebook during the past year. S/he had spent a large portion of life trying to discover who s/he is, and wants to share the story in the hopes of helping other people who might feel alone being in-between, or switching between, genders.

Enjoy, learn, and pass on!

Tony:Serena

The most important thing you can do in your whole life, is be yourself.

As people, we tend to sacrifice a lot for others; we want to make our loved ones and friends happy, even if its at the expense of our own discomfort. We try our hardest to be selfless, and that isn’t always a bad thing. But what happens when a situation like mine comes up, or like millions of people worldwide looking to express something that is out of society’s comfort zone?

I’ve long since realized that there are times in my life when I want to present as a woman. Not all the time, but definitely more than a fleeting instance of curiosity. Why? I have no idea, anymore than I can explain why I like eating sour candy when I have the flu, or why I love the color teal. “It’s just who I am” is the answer I tend to give.

I’ve known for as long as I can remember, even being as young as 6 or 7, playing with the boys, enjoying myself, and wanting to also make time to dress up pretty and play with the girls. The desire to express myself in a feminine way is not foreign to my life. But I was very selfless even as a child, and knew what people would think of me. I tried to deny it, to push it down and to just accept that it wasn’t acceptable for me.

What did this lead to? At 10, I was trying on my mom’s shoes when no one was around, wanting a pair of my own. At 13, my parents had me in counselling for me not being very sociable. I wouldn’t make friends easily. I actually went to a camp for kids who had trouble making friends. I wonder how different I would be if I knew what I know now.

By the time I was 19, I was close to 300 pounds. My life was a whirlwind of fast food, constant distractions, gaming for 10 hours a day to try and make my life feel fulfilled, to make it feel COMPLETE. It never worked, any downtime in my life was spent wondering about myself. Questioning myself. I would get together with friends constantly, to the point of becoming irate if they had other plans, all in the name of distracting myself. Junk food, constant video games, loud music, anything to distract myself when the desires came.

When I moved out on my own, I was no longer surrounded by these distractions and instead could only sit back and watch, helplessly, as my mind brought back years of repressed desires and wishes, wishes I had long since buried under a viciously self-indulging lifestyle. I wondered if I was gay, I wondered if I was planning on living life as a woman… Neither were correct (unless you want to argue the semantics of me being attracted to women, even while presenting as one) and it started a long period of strife for me. But also, a period of DISCOVERY.

That was 4 years ago. Since then I’ve tried convincing myself there was some other reason I wanted to present as a woman, I’ve tried chalking it up to depression or escapism and that I don’t actually want to present as a woman, I’ve tried convincing myself for a period of time that I actually WAS planning to transition even if I didn’t want to, I’ve tried being a middle-ground person, living life as a guy who wore feminine things… I’ve tried all of that, and at the end of the day I was STILL unsatisfied, so what was I missing?

The desire was always there, sometimes to the point of self-loathing. I would look in the mirror on occasion and feel hatred for myself, hatred that I couldn’t look as pretty as a woman, feeling like life is so unfair, I didn’t even want to be a woman full time, just to be able to look like one, present as one, to feel beautiful, to know the simple pleasure of wearing a dress and feeling like a princess… These desires came on strong, the older I got.

I spent lonely nights on the floor of my apartment, looking at my ceiling, waiting for the desire to subside again so I could continue my life. Depression led to either trying to convince myself that what I desired was impossible, or taking unhealthy risks like extreme dieting and purging, thinking I couldn’t look like a girl because I had a guy’s body and a guy’s weight. Most times, I would be miserable until the desire would subside.

It always did subside, of course, the very nature of me is that I desire to be able to present as whichever gender I want, when I feel like it was more natural.

Very recently I learned I can do it. I can present as a woman. fully. Totally. And the first time I did, the first time I looked in the mirror and saw HER there, the face behind the voice I heard inside of me all my life… I cried. I fell to my knees in my apartment at one in the morning, and cried victorious tears. It took all I had not to scream out in triumph. I cried sweet tears and felt my self worth skyrocket, I COULD do it! I COULD, without dieting or hating myself or drastically changing anything, I COULD look the way I wanted, and what’s more, I could do it whenever I wanted!

It changed everything! Not only was I proud of myself for being a woman, the fact that my womanhood could stand on it’s own made me proud of myself for being a man, too. No longer would the male side of me be forced to try and add feminine things into the daily routine in an attempt to express some subtle notion of femininity, I could now simply look like the woman inside of me, whenever I desired! Because of that, my male side was free to be himself and be proud of it, too.

I can’t begin to explain the relief! Suddenly, life made perfect sense! Everything did! I am Free now! I am WHOLE! It’s a feeling I can’t possibly put into words.

My name is Tony, and also Serena. And I guess this was the story of my life up until now.

10 Comments
  • Dianne

    April 26, 2014 at 8:52 PM Reply

    Holy cow, I sure know that scenario!!! When I would look in the mirror and see “the proper me” I would be stunned! Then as I was getting ready to go full time I got used to it, then if I would look in the mirror and not see the proper me I would just about loose it. The back and forth months were real tough where I was out everywhere except work. Very stressful. Now I look in the mirror and it’s just me! Except sometimes I need to wash my face and brush my hair…

  • Valériane Brooks

    April 28, 2014 at 1:13 PM Reply

    This sounds so much like my life, it’s scary. You are fortunate to be able to figure it out at a young age!!

  • ashley

    May 8, 2014 at 10:00 PM Reply

    Its wonderful to hear these stories. I still don’t like using ‘queer’ because it is a terminology
    saying something is wrong or out of place; and usually used to badger people with.

    With that being said, it is hard for me to imagine someone not being one or the other
    gender. That story had a good expression for me to think about.

    I am still unclear with the fluid gender thing. It almost seems that people like, that have
    encompassed both sides of the binary equation. Like they are both gender types rolled up
    in one.

    Thanks for sharing

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      May 10, 2014 at 5:28 PM Reply

      Thank you for being open to learning more about this perspective Ashley! 🙂

  • Anonymous

    October 4, 2014 at 10:35 PM Reply

    This sounds so much like me! I’m a 26 year old male, over 250 pounds, and though I don’t think I’m transgender, I wish I had been born a girl. I say I don’t think I’m transgender because I feel that my mind is male. I can’t explain it properly, but I feel male, I just desire to be female, and that desire has grown over the years, especially within recent years. I love feminine things and I have recently begun wearing women’s pajamas, socks, and toenail polish. I live with my parents, so I’m hesitant to go much further, but if I lived by myself, I would go all out. I don’t know why, but I get jealous when I see beautiful women in pretty skirts, dresses, etc. I want to wear them too. I have to admit, a small part of it is sexual. For instance, when I wear panties or other undergarments, I get aroused, but when I get over that, I still like wearing them just because they’re pretty and feminine.

    So far, my life has been mostly depressing. I rarely smile or laugh and I feel like a creep for having these desires. I feel like something is wrong with me, but reading your story and how similar it seems to be is inspiring. I’m hoping that once I move out on my own, I can discover my true self and become happy as well.

    • Dara Hoffman-Fox

      October 6, 2014 at 7:58 AM Reply

      We’re glad you stopped by to read this blog post sweetie! You definitely are not a creep, and I am glad this helped you see that there are others out there who feel similar to you. Keep with your goal of moving out on your own! I’ll keep your challenges in mind as I create more resources in the future, so be sure to stop by again. 🙂

  • Garedayn

    December 15, 2014 at 1:21 AM Reply

    This post speak so much about my confusion.

    Thoughts have been badger for so long and i have been ignoring them for as long as I can. But recently this thoughts came back and i thought i have to deal with them once and for all. And all it does is brings more confusion. I am not sure if this post can speak entirely about my life, but the first part of the post really put words into the past that i have been ignoring.

    Thanks for sharing. It has help me in this path of self-discovery.

    • Rena

      December 15, 2014 at 10:43 AM Reply

      I’m really glad I could help you on your way.

      I know how bad doubt can be… I still feel it, much less than I used to, but it’s there. I spent so long telling myself “I will not accept, fully, that I am trans/genderqueer until I remove all doubt!” But what I never realized was that I was asking for things in the wrong order.

      This is something different, something that requires us to accept it not because we no longer doubt it, but because when we feel the connection with our TRUE selves, we feel a clarity and inner peace. It’s very much a leap of faith starting with an objective look at yourself and recognizing that you have something happening in your life that requires action. The doubt will go away when we learn to accept ourselves, and not the other way around. It can be hard, and sometimes the progress is slow moving, but at the end of the day I’m glad I chose to look doubt in the eye and say “you will no longer stop me from moving forward.”

      Best of luck in everything you do, thank you so much for reading my story and taking the time to comment!

      Serena

  • Pete

    January 20, 2015 at 4:58 AM Reply

    wow ,,,this is me also. OMG so nice to read and know that your not alone in the middle of the road

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